Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
You Might Also Like
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Beware…..
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.