I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?