The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?