No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
forgive me baja for i have blast
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
You got this…
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.