“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Sniffing the broccoli
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that