I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
You Might Also Like
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications