These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus