Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Tony Hawk, age 6
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.