18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
You Might Also Like
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
britain’s three elite institutions
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.