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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
don’t be scared
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.