Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
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Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.