100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You Might Also Like
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.