My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing