[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.