I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Cat.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this