I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Going to church you guys need anything
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.