Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.