Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Education is vital
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma