Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
This is hilarious….
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.