Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
felt cute might bury dad later idk