Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
spicy snake
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.