I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
the pigeons are already plenty salty
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing