[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Wish the trash would take me out for once.