Effort made
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Basketball
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes