“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
All food is good if you spell it wrong
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
*skinny dips into black hole
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?