My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
You Might Also Like
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
How times have changed.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk