Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 馃槶
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don鈥檛 worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master鈥檚.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we鈥檙e supposed to bring a dessert.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My teen said she鈥檚 too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn鈥檛 too old to have a dance party with us?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I鈥檓 good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[bedtime]
Me: What鈥檚 in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
How about daylight saves us for once
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I鈥檓 into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Found out it鈥檚 $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I鈥檓 just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.