Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro