Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Baking is just science you can eat.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.