Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
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ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Saturday
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!