[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The booster protects against what, now?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.