4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.