127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon