I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If you breakdance you buy dance.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.