wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️