Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I love wikipedia
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free