KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
guys i’ve cracked the code
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.