STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…