not to brag, but mine was free
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?