I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
You Might Also Like
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
#winning
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.