Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
How high do the levels go?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Cause of death: Zumba
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”