the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
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If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?