Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
somebody come look at this
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.