Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
You Might Also Like
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.