count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.