Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“and how does that make you feel?”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”