A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”