Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away