The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
You Might Also Like
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
time machine? you mean a clock?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Lmao
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.