*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
operators are standing by to ignore your call
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them